托福作文批改21分：注意加入连接词，逻辑不够严谨

　　一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。今天课窝网继续分享范文，大家可以以话题自行参考。

　　作文题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree  with the following statement?

　　For success in a future  job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying  hard in school

　　作文内容：

　　It isa truth universally acknowledged, that a young man in school must be in want to make  good preparation for the future job. However,littlefew修饰可数名词can easily make a choice between constructing solid network and  studying hard. For me , I hold the idea that hardworking is still the  students’ priority这里只是小建议哈可以换成give priority to这个短语更好. Sometimes, the network perhaps be helpful, however, the things one gets  through the process of hardworking are invaluable.

　　前面最好有一个逻辑标志性的次“首先”The knowledge learnt from the school are the base of one’s career,  in other words, the more endeavor one has paid in school, the more potential  one will have in his future job. This is because what the employers value is  still the employee’s ability which is determined by how hardworking he was at  school.这一块举例那么最好也有一个比如说这样的词If one did not spend enough in English studying in school, no  company will be in favor of him since what Google translator can do is far  more beyond than what he can do. If one isnot mastered本来就是个形容词 in his own major,he will have no competitiveness  compared withto otherswho aresophisticated with表达有点中式话建议使用be  proficient intheir major  through their hardworking in school. In short, the endeavor paid in school  determine the competitiveness of a person and the competitiveness of a person  is a decisive factor for his career.

　　例子论证的方法问题前面想说的是雇佣者在乎的是能力，来自与努力学习的能力，后面论证方法可以是强调的是没有努力学习英语，所以没有英语的能力，然后再来一个递进及时谷歌也不能够帮助他，你的论证是因为谷歌怎么样，强调的重点不对，另外后面可以说一下只有自己有会英语，那么才能有能力胜任工作就可以了，一定记得围绕一点说

　　One canalso这里有逻辑标志词cultivate several valuable characters in the process of  hardworking. For instance, the one who studied hard in school will be  fearless of difficulties, a character that no employer detests. Generally,  there are many complex problems that make no sense to the students in Math,  however, the hardworking studentshave no choice but rack their brains to find the solutions.“别无选择”感觉是没办法了而不是能动性的，所以换一个表达，表达的是努力学习的学生会选择去绞尽脑汁客服难题，再加一个“所以他们有一个克服困难的精神“In this way, when they face the obstacles in the future job, they  will also be adamant until the problems get solved.

　　“综上所述“逻辑连接词,in conclusionAdmittedly,  there are merits for cultivating a good sense to deal with others, like  avoiding a lot of frictions and flatter the seniors more easily, thus get  promoted more rapidly. But I still convince that studying hard enough in  school and build a solid and wide knowledge bank is really an acumen choice.

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　1. 缺少逻辑连接词注意加入连接词

　　2. 论证上注意上文的批注

　　给出解决方案：

　　1. 积累短语，注意固定短语搭配。

　　2. 从句的使用有杂糅的情况，多练习并且注意

　　3. 论述过程中一定要围绕一点说，重点别偏了，积累范文的论证思路

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家介绍的关于托福作文批改。更多托福考试时间、托福真题汇总下载等问题。可以咨询我们。