GMAT写作：段落修改思路（二）

　　想要提高自己的英语写作水平，真的并非一朝一夕就能完成的事情，一定是需要大家付出较长的时间来学习和积累各种不同的写作素材。课窝考试网今天继续更新GMAT作文分析与修改，供大家学习参考。

　　写作题目材料

　　The following appeared in the editorial section of a corporate newsletter.

　　The common notion that workers are generally apathetic about management issues is false, or at least outdated: a recently published survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs.

　　我们在这里以文段中一处数据错误为例，来展开对于数据类型错误论证的讨论。具体的数据错误是指：虽然材料中说明了是1200名员工中79%的人持某种态度，但未说明1200员工的来源，分布结构与数量代表性等内容，我们在这里会论证其数据的不足之处。

　　学生文章分析

　　我们先来看看一位学生对于这一问题展开的段落讨论（文段存在问题）。

　　From the argument, we can’t get enough sufficient related information about the respondents who did the survey. in other words, there is a insufficient-sample fallacy in the description of respondents. For example, author did not mention the sample size, so the survey was likely to be some small occasions. Moreover, whether the respondents were the common residents in the city or someone who had shown a clear tendency before the survey, unrepresentative sample would lead to the error of the result.

　　学生的错误问题：

　　开头未能全面概括错误出处与内容

　　学生：From the argument, we can’t get enough sufficient related information about the respondents who did the survey.

　　这一个段落主旨句有以下几个问题：1）句式太简单；2）未能明确说明文中数据的具体信息；

　　建议大家主旨句要高度概括段落主旨，且明确指出错误出处的具体内容。

　　改：In the survey about employees' indifference about managing issues of companies states in the article , there is an insufficient-sample fallacy in the description of respondents.

　　语句客观度不足

　　学生：we can’t get enough sufficient related information about the respondents who did the survey.

　　句子尽量不要用人物开头，尝试用客观事物做主语，接下来整句的结构都可以随之提升复杂度。

　　改：sufficient related information about the respondents who did the survey is not illustrated in the article

　　未结合材料背景对逻辑错误展开描写

　　学生：For example, author did not mention the sample size, so the survey was likely to be some small occasions. Moreover, whether the respondents were the common residents in the city or someone who had shown a clear tendency before the survey, unrepresentative sample would lead to the error of the result.

　　以下的论述未能针对本文的数据进行展开，让读者有一种“放之四海而皆准”的感觉。这样的写法并不能让考官认同你读懂了文章，有能力去阻止语言论证其中错误。这样的写法很有可能会被考官认定为模板段落而被扣分。

　　改：To be more specific, author did not mention the sample size of the whole workers recruited to answer the questioning items about corporate managament issues in the survey. Even though the number of 1200 seems to be outstanding, it is still only a small part of a multinational corporation, whose total employee number could reach 50,000. Without illustrating the sampling scope and the target population, the 1200 worker samples in the article fails to prove the representative and sufficiency of the statistics in the argument.

　　加上其它一些词句语法的修改，完整版修改段落如下：

　　In the survey about employees' indifference about managing issues of companies states in the article , there is an insufficient-sample fallacy in the description of respondents. Sufficient related information about the respondents who did the survey is not illustrated in the article.To be more specific, author did not mention the sample size of the whole workers recruited to answer the questioning items about corporate managament issues in the survey. Even though the number of 1200 seems to be outstanding, it is still only a small part of a multinational corporation, whose total employee number could reach 50,000. Without illustrating the sampling scope and the target population, the 1200 worker samples in the article fails to prove the representative and sufficiency of the statistics in the argument.

　　以上就是小编为大家介绍的关于GMAT写作修改的例题介绍。更多GMAT数学考点、GMAT考试报名等问题，可以咨询我们。